So many of us have a limited sense of our infinite value, even as a child of God. We have to work at it every day. Theologians may say it comes from a lack of faith. Sociologists may say it is because of shame. We sometimes call it bullying, misogyny or fat shaming. We’ve all seen the power of social media to influence public opinion and self-esteem with a single well-placed post or negative comment. Whatever form it takes, there is an enemy working very hard to make us feel devalued and worthless. Well, I’ve learned that we can help neutralize the effect of the enemy’s lies and insinuations by encouraging and edifying other people with a simple compliment.
A study inspired by Dove stated, "Ads featuring thin models made women feel worse about themselves, but they regarded the brands higher." (AdAge.com, 7/31/09) So, it stands to reason that if women feel bad, it could then lead us to think bad things about ourselves if we don’t fit the brand ideal. Another study in Glamour magazine (October 2011) asked 300 young women of all shapes and sizes to record every anxious thought they had about their bodies throughout one day. That study found that 97% of the women had an average of 13 negative or anxious thoughts a day, some as many as 100. That’s horrible!
Expect compliments.
I think we are in dire need of compliments. A compliment is the simplest and most effective of gifts. It can be a simple expression of esteem, respect, affection or admiration. Remember the scene in the movie ‘The Help’: Viola Davis playing a maid tells the chubby little girl of her white employer, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” She then encourages the little girl to repeat it with her out loud. What a lovely moment between this mother and this neglected child….for so many reasons. Offering a sincere compliment may seem like a small thing, but I’ve seen it give tremendous confidence to someone who needs it.
A few years ago my personal style quiz was published on a popular website for women with curves called Daily Venus Diva and over 300 curvy women responded to the questions. I was super excited that we had as many respondents as Glamour magazine. I was sad to discover that over 40 percent of the women who responded were “unlikely” to walk up to a mirror and think to themselves “I look good.” Really? Why are only a little more than half of us complimenting ourselves in the mirror? Could it be that daily dose of anxious or negative thoughts in that Glamour study?
I think every woman should expect compliments. I don’t leave my apartment until I do. In an interview for a recent article about back-to-school fashion for plus size teen, the reporter wrote this about me, “Collins, whose clients include actress Zuzanna Szadkowski from "Gossip Girl," considers an outfit a major fail if at least one person doesn't compliment her on how cute it is.” (August 2015, DelawareOnline.com) Reading it made me laugh but it was true and it also proves my point.
I’ve also discovered an interesting contradiction in the responses to my quiz. While 40 percent were unlikely to compliment themselves in the mirror, over 70 percent of the women responded that they were “likely” to accept a compliment without saying something to diminish it in some way. I would have predicted that more women would be guilty of this one. Even I have struggled with accepting a compliment without taking a little dig at it, like “Really? I thought this outfit made me look fat today!”
If this sounds like you, I suggest you do what I did. Try to resist the urge to say anything except “Thank you!” That sweet person sees something that standouts about you. Believe them! Consider this: It can be very helpful to know what other people think about you, especially the good stuff. This encounter could contain a peek into your personal brand or reputation. Why not listen? Accept the compliment and count it as one of your strengths!
I accept compliments with much more grace these days. Even when I’ve felt tempted, I don’t dishonor it. This Fashion Week I attended designer Tracey Reese’s runway show. As I was waiting for the doors to open I was selected out of line by the photog for Essence.com. Initially I thought, who? Me? But I quickly seized the moment and accepted the invitation to step out of line to have my picture taken. I was featured in an Essence.com slideshow of the best Street Style at NY Fashion Week. It was wonderful compliment and opportunity to enhance my personal brand in the world of fashion.
Give compliments.
Now I have become an aggressive encourager. I didn’t create that term, but I love it! I’ve found that encouraging other people made me feel more positive about myself too. The practice once turned my entire outlook around at a particularly challenging time in my journey. I pretty much encourage someone everyday by simply pointing out something fabulous about them. It’s like something just shines about them and I have to give them a compliment. I give one to almost everybody: the bus driver, the taxi driver, my interns and my niece. Compliments are as good for the giver as they are for the receiver.
You too can become an aggressive encourager! You can harness the power of a compliment at home, at work and on social media. Post a compliment about someone today. Let’s make THAT go viral! #expectcompliments
